UFO

(published at bizarro central)

The UFO was spotted in Poultney, Vermont by a group of college kids. It was black, the shape of a slice of pie and the size of a school bus. They stood under it and jumped up and down and tried to show the aliens they were welcome, that earthlings were kind and peaceful, that they would greet alternative forms of life with open arms. The alien craft didn’t respond. It just floated there.

Eventually something extended from of the bottom of the ship.

“What is it?” one of the students asked.

“I think it’s an antenna of some sort.”

“I think it looks sort of like a cock,” one of the girls noticed.

“What?”

“You know, like a cock and balls.”

They looked back at the ship. It was undeniable. Out of the black metal of the alien vessel hung an enormous, fleshy cock and balls.

“What should we do?”

“Should we touch it?”

“This is fucking awkward.”

“This is fucking gross.”

“It smells weird.”

“Nudity’s cool and all, but, like, there’s a time and a place for things…”

“I think we should go.”

The group of teenagers wandered back to campus, leaving the aliens alone, floating in the cold night air over Poultney.

Inside the ship were two beings. Their bodies were like angry light and they fizzled amongst the machinery. Their race had evolved out of bodies long ago. They only had spirits. After millennia of dedicated research, they had invented the interplanetary cock and balls. It was to be the universes most advanced form of communication.

“What do we do now?” one of the aliens asked. “The humans didn’t like our invention.”

“Forget them,” the other said. “Let’s go to a planet where our genius is appreciated.”